Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
