Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
