Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
