Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
how drunk are you?
Several
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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