Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
