i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
