can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
