I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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