I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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