Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
