Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
