Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
