I want to walk on stilts...naked
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
