how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
