not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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