Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
