It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
