I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
