paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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