I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
