he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
