So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
