hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
