i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
