he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
