Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
