She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize