i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
