if you like me you must not know who I am
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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