so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
