so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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