apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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