What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
