my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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