lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
then he tried to convert me to islam
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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