At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
