nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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