dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
