I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize