you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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