I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
