so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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