I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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