I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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