If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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