I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
