Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
