What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize