i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
