She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
