the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
