you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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