sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
