I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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