I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
