They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
