it's too hot outside to masturbate.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
