Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
