What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
