Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
