one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
