his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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