Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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