i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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