Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My penis needs a shock collar
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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