census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
