Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
