everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
