ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
