i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
