I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
