Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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