You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
